Sunday, 4 November 2012

OMG! Shoes.

It's come to my attention that none of the shoes in my closet are adequate for the rainy UK. In fact, I do believe they'll all lead to death. Read on:

Flip flops - My toes will freeze, fall off, I'll lose my balance, get hit by a bus, and die.
Tom's shoes - My feet get instantly wet, I get pneumonia, and die.
Cheap fashion boots - Develop a hole in the bottom of my sole within a week, my feet get instantly wet, I get pneumonia, and die.
Wellies - My feet stay nice and dry, but I have to walk around like a prancing dressage horse, my legs get sore, I lose my balance, get hit by a bus, and die.
Ballet flats - See "Tom's shoes" above.
Tennis shoes AKA "Trainers" - I die of shame.
Heels - Are you joking me? Heels on cobbled streets and uneven sidewalks? Walking 3 miles a day? In any case, my toes get cold, circulation gets cut off, heels get caught in cracks, I fall over, get hit by a bus, and die.
Horseback riding boots - I die of shame.
Down booty slippers - Get worn down in a couple days, see "Cheap fashion boots" above.

Which leads me to shoes I don't have, but can buy...

Uggs - I die of shame.
Expensive fashion boots - I spend 3 month's rent on them, my feet stay warm and dry as I die of starvation.

I could ask my boyfriend for new shoes, but he'll then spend 3 month's rent on them, die of starvation, and I have warm feet but die of a broken heart. Or he buys me crappy shoes and I lose a boyfriend.

So what's a girl with no shoes to do? Obviously go shopping with Mom and Dad's credit card. They said it was for emergencies...and my life is on the line!


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  2. Sounds like a true emergency to me.
    The answer is Toms Botas with the fuzzy lining and the rubber sole (kind of like a trainer). You darling cousin HAD to get some or she would DIE.
    True story.

  3. "The credit card is for emergencies" ranks right up there with "we'll think about getting a dog when you're 10." Oops!